Reality check One Two Three...

Its the year 2008.

I am 21, and rapidly moving towards being 22, and it doesn't have any significance whatsoever.

I can/may graduate this April. Woohoo! But nothing exciting except some mental relief. The hope of a Masters, nice!

I am LCP of AIESEC Chandigarh, something I faintly dreamt of in August 2005. It's certainly different from being a VP, an ordinary way of life is no more an option, and the extraordinary way is not a cake-walk (like I might have thought at some point). It doesn't really matter how much time I have spent in AIESEC, its all new and hard. One day at a time, I say!

We hosted a National Conference! (I daresay successfully, not upto me). And we even won awards - even a big unexpected one! And Apurav made it to AIESEC in India MC! Picture perfect :)

...

I spent two complete days at home this week, don't know after how long. And with very less thought. Almost incapable of thinking. Its only mom, dad & I, and with one of us not being themselves, not being normal, not being there, its the most empty feeling I have gone through. I cried for things to be normal, for the life that I (and I suppose a lot of us) take for granted. Don't know how its going to shape up even now. But at some level I have made my peace with the fact that its insignificant (worrying/thinking/etc). Its reality. It needs acceptance.

At some level, I understand everything is an illusion. Impermanence of the world provides me the most strength to be who I am. And Its working.

(Plus some random feel good text messages, shallow shallow dirty fellow, I know).

Haunted

I may use preparing for life as an excuse to run away from something so basic, so vital.
Something I gave up because I wasn't strong or capable enough to deal with the situation and it was easier, it was easier to take things for granted, it was easier to escape, it was easier to say I don't care.

Its coming back to haunt me in a way I did not expect.

She is talking to herself. I am so scared. There is no one and no thing. Its her voice. A voice I never imagined to hear this way.

... ... ...

I lost the chance to go and ask her long time back. What now? This is not how I imagined it.
I am sorry, and I am scared.

I'll hold on, for the hope, of it not lasting for long, of this being nothing but a dream, of switching to the other side with the guy under the tree looking at the train going by.