To do is to live

What a day, what a night, what a life! I am sitting here and trying to understand that how can you be going crazy and be in control at the same time? Or more interestingly - how being in control can make you go so crazy? When the 'new time' flies by and as Lucifer puts it "Before you know it, you've spent it. Before you know it, its gone". (yes, there existed an 'Old Time' - no its not change of lifestyle, the seconds actually used to be slower, and easier, really).

You know how when you are young (yes a month short of 22 is still young), you can really give things all you've got and see yourself doing great and experience making terrible mistakes, both with utmost passion. Generally, its a part of the learning package, but in each moment, in each action, in each person you know, you look for that conformation of having done alright.

Results make you happy, praise makes you happy, being better than you were makes you happy, and then sometimes, just the fact that you have something much bigger than yourself to keep trying to fit yourself into by doing and doing and doing more, and being more makes you happy, even if its no-one else but you who knows what it takes.

Words are such hidden weapons of destruction, seduction, inspiration and helplessness. They are there to be used the manner you want to. And then sometimes you wonder if they even mean as much as you are made to feel. Because, they come with predispositions of vocabulary, experience, previous understanding and your opinion of the speaker. So, ultimately its you, leading yourself, not others, they lead themselves to follow you, and you must follow yourself too, to the ends of the world, atleast then you would be with yourself and would have still helped many from point A to B.

P.S. And accept the mystery of why we are here, the only possible answer is I DON'T KNOW and the only possible solution to life is to follow your dreams and have the courage to take the steps needed to achieve them. Simple and true, like emotion, like death, like life.

Reading

Brida: Paulo Coelho
The love struck, soulmate seeking side

Blink: Malcolm Gladwell
The one to do with people, the ultimate mystery, the psychologist/leader need

I, Lucifer: Glen Duncan
The 'I' balancing the both above, the Devil inside, the Human life

Some

I, Manveer, Disguised as Human, Prince of Night, Bringer of the day, Ruler of my own, Lord of the Life, Father of hope, Tempter of the lost, Old Soul, Hero of my own story, Accuser, Criticizer, Leader, Follower, Wanderer, and without doubt Best at doing what he claims not to in the seen and the unseen universe, have decided to tell all.

All? Some.

Wouldn't you want that, you little ignorant punk. But it can be boring to know everything. Ask God.

Showtime

And then it happened! More than 50 new recruits walked in - and we continued to hop (literally) to the tunes (Rock DJ) while some of the city's best youth filled the hall.

And I remember thinking to myself - WOW! That's a lot of people! We did it, yet again! And its show-time.

The old and the new - AIESEC Chandigarh

The moment I stood in front in of the new and expanded General Body of AIESEC Chandigarh, I knew how I represented something much beyond myself as a person, and no, that didn't make me nervous (long gone are those days), it simply felt great - grand - it felt like home! And how I had to wait for the crazy senior members to finally keep quiet (they were out of control - and for once I didn't mind, haha) to start talking! I remember the day when I was sitting at the other end, and its for that I knew how this was the first day of their new life.

My team :)

Now I am just eagerly looking forward to NLDS (happening at Silvassa, the same place I went for my first AIESEC Conference three years ago, I am, yet again, going back to the start)

With things bigger than the sky forming life as such, this is once day which I waited for three years, and it was what some may even describe as an out of body experience. Imagine!

three years of change

this is so different. for some reason it happens today, actually it makes perfect sense for it to.
today i realize what has been happening for three years, three years that have fought against 18 years of upbringing and everything else that came with it

i joined AIESEC exactly three years from today. i knew i felt like celebrating, but nobody around seems to share the jubilation, they are either people who have been there or are far from being there, thus understandably so, i am alone in this festival

but that goes beyond the point, because today i looked back in my loneliness at the past three years! and what an incredibly over-whelming feeling that is. the people, the places, the experiences, they are shining out, they are calling for attention, they make me see the Manveer that was - younger, a little more smart, a little less mature, a little more happy, a little less stressed, but beyond everything, a Manveer constantly changing, because everything around always was

today, i realize i have the ability to get immensely passionate about someone or something. today i realize i have loved each moment of the past three years, today i realize i must thank the people, and keep in touch with them - for they were a part of the times that make who i am today, today i realize i have changed with time, and much more in the past three years than i had in my entire life before, today i realize i can and have experienced emotions i never knew possible.

i am here today, a lot more confident, very much sure, a lot more brave, with experiences of courage i discovered, looking ahead with much more hope, and the ability to deal with change, with knowledge that people do matter, and who i am now, will only get better and stronger, but will never forget to look back and rejoice for what life can be.

Haven't figured out who you are and what you want?
Try being who you know you want to be. Works better.

What do I want?
To know what I want? Good start.

What do I have?
More than I could ask for right now? Possibly.

Where am I headed?
Somewhere better? Definitely.

Am I in love?
When was the last time I answered that correctly? Note to self: Finish reading that book.
Its painfully liberating each time, and this one?

Am I capable?
Yes or No? I feel both time and again. Yes: Courage; No: ?

Am I alive?
Does insensitive mean dead? Does balance mean stillness? Does emotion mean vulnerable? Does wait mean eternity? Tell me.

I am in control till I am on control. I feel invincible. Except hope of life not being about that.

13, May 2008 1:22 am

I know I can be what I want to be. The knowledge that I always have a choice is very much there, but yet I find myself falling prey every now and then to the mind-led existence which means I either exist in the past or the future. I am twenty-one, it makes me feel capable and guilty at the same time because I am letting it all go - day after fay. At the same time, living with the tendency to undermine the amount of time I actually do spend in the moment - being nothing but myself - doing things I enjoy - things that make a difference - being LCP or just being good person by own standards. But there is so much more, there has to be?

When I think of possibilities, it either makes me want to do more, or not do anything at all. If I know that I ultimately just want to be on my own, far away, then what I waiting for? And do I really know?

A dicey aspect in life are people - the ones around you, ones you know through them, ones on the TV, etc. People are fascinating, interesting, funny, irritating and boring. There are very few people I admit actually liking (that included myself till some time ago). Infact I would normally be more heard mentioning whom I don't like. The problem however, is that my statements are taken much more seriously by others than me myself. I think I learnt long time back that judging people continuously doesn't serve you well in the long run but not judging them at all is a short term disaster. So I drew my own conclusions about different types of judging/concluding that I shouldn't let affect my behaviour towards different people. Thus, developed a habit of not even taking others too seriously, which I have noticed can go across as ignoring or disliking!

But thats that. I live and I learn!

Mixed emotions

.. a cliche that I can easily use for my present condition. I have different tracks running in my mind right now each bringing to the table a particular emotions, but all of them just manage to only create a small tingling feeling, and on the surface they all merge, no more different or mixed, together providing a kind of unreal and excited state of serenity based on nothing but existence.

As you attract the people and the things you really need, same goes with words.

"After a While...
Comes the dawn.

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life. You learn that love does not mean possession and company does not mean security. You learn that loneliness is universal.

After a while, you learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open - with the grace of a woman and the grief of a child.

After a while, you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight. Tomorrow ‘s ground can be too uncertain for plans, yet each step taken in a new direction, creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. Plant your own garden and nourish your own soul - instead of waiting for someone to bring your flowers.

After a while, you learn that love, true love, always has joys. Sorrows seem ever present yet is never quite the same. After a while, becoming more than love and less than love so difficult to define.

After a while, you learn that through it all, you really can endure and that you really are strong. You realize that you have great value to learn more and grow even more beautiful."

- Joy Whitman